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Barbara Fontana, Ph.D
45 Route 25A
Shoreham, NY 11786
Ph: 631-821-1880
Fax: 631-821-4750 |
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Tips of the Week for Couples |
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- I found this quote, sent by a subscriber to
my tips (thank you), to be a powerful reminder
of how we affect our partners. Can you apply it
to your own relationship?
| "I have
come to the frightening conclusion that I am the
decisive element. It is my personal approach
that creates the climate. It is my daily mood
that makes the weather. I possess tremendous
power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be
a tool of torture or an instrument of
inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or
heal. In all situations, it is my response that
decides whether a crisis is escalated or
de-escalated, and a person is humanized or
de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we
make them worse. If we treat people as they
ought to be, we help them become what they are
capable of becoming." -- Johann Wolfgang
von Goethe |
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- Consider these words from Dr. Harville Hendrix's book,
Getting The Love You Want:
| "We cannot experience life in its fullness
unless we have an intimate relationship with
another human being..." If you work on
maintaining an intimate relationship with your
partner, you will feel more fully alive and
whole. |
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- "Our relationship is not a problem to be solved! It is an 'adventure' to be embraced...a gift to be unpacked...a mystery to be understood...a secret to be uncovered." (Hedy & Yumi Schleifer, newsletter August 2011)
| Think of your relationship as an
adventure, a gift, a mystery, a secret - there
for your healing, growth and happiness. |
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- In Imago we say conflict is growth trying to
happen...
| "...It is 'maturity' knocking at the
door inviting us: Come, flourish, expand,
prosper" (Hedy & Yumi Schleifer, newsletter
August 2011). When you experience conflicts in
your relationship, ask yourself what growth
could come out of this for yourself and for your
partner? |
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- "Our relationship has a higher mission: to help each other 'reclaim our wholeness'...
| ...It is the
acorn that becomes the oak, the potential that
allows us to recoverour full, innate, essential
potential for aliveness, and to reconnect with
our vitality, zest, vigor, awe, and wonder"
(Hedy & Yumi Schleifer newsletter Aug. 2011). By
meeting each other's needs, we help each other
to become fully alive and whole. What can you do
this week to better meet your partner's needs? |
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- "People can only change if they feel that they are basically liked and accepted for who they are" (tweet from Dr. John Gottman, 8/28/11)
| Does your partner feel liked and accepted by
you? If not, focus on their good qualities and
make every effort to let him/her know you do
like them and accept them. |
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- Connection is what gives meaning and purpose to our lives.
| Make taking care of your relationship
a continuing priority for 2012. May each of you
experience a deeper and more satisfying loving
connection in the new year. |
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- "Love is caring enough for the other person that one takes the sometimes painful experience of letting the other person be who they are." (Martin Buber)
| It can be challenging to let
your partner be who he/she is, to not try to
change them. Try to be more accepting and less
critical this week. |
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- "When a person realizes he has been deeply heard, his eyes moisten....
| ...I think in some real
sense, he is weeping for joy. It is as though he
were saying, 'Thank God, somebody heard me.
Someone knows what it's like to be me.'" (Jeremy
Rifkin in The Empathic Civilization). I see this
in my work with couples. To really listen to
your partner is a precious gift and will help
your relationship. |
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- A recent study by Dr. Julia Heiman, a psychologist, found that relationship happiness for men came from:
| "Their partner's orgasm,
kissing and cuddling often, being touched and
caressed by their partner often, and their
sexual functioning, as well as being in good
health." (quote from WebMD article). It's not
just sex that makes men happy. You can help your
relationship by kissing, cuddling, touching,
caressing. |
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- Dr. Robert Epstein, a psychologist, remembers a psychology professor who said:
| When sex is good,
it's 5 percent of the marriage, but when it’s
bad, it’s 95 percent of the marriage. "The key
is to understand what’s good and bad," Dr.
Epstein said. Good means that each person's
sexual needs are being met. Bad means that at
least one person's needs are not being met (from
Everyday Health on AOL). Work on making sex good
in your relationship so that both of you are
getting your needs met. |
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